Monday, November 1, 2010

In the middle before I realize I am even there

Half the time I am in the middle of something huge before I even realize the impact it has on my life. Not that I am totally oblivious. It is because I see it every day, and you do not always notice the changes every day until one day you catch an unexpected glimpse from a different perspective. All of a sudden things change and you see it for so much more or so differently. All of a sudden you have story and not just an event.

I don’t mean to be the accidental tourist in life, but a lot of times there is so much going on I do not realize where I am until I am deep in the woods – for better or for worse. It has been good (Team in Training) and it has been bad (eating disorder).

Sometimes it is because I am so focused on the goal I do not see what is happening around me. Sometimes it is an unexpected consequence of my focus on a goal.
Sometimes it is because I am having so much fun with friends I never noticed everything else. Honestly – the latter is the most fun, and the most scary – opening myself up to rejection, losing a goal because I took my eye off the ball to have fun…you name it and that’s why it is scary.

Much of my life was spent on the former. I am just starting to warm up to the latter…and loving it. As I said, though, it is also scary. You can control yourself (or at least think you can!), but can not control others: what they think of you, what they say about you, if they invite you to go out, et cetera. However, the joy you feel from celebrating the accomplishment of a friend, from enjoying a drink or pizza with friends, from experiencing something new as a memory with people you love, from just hearing a warm hello and getting a hug is very much worth the risk of being hurt by other’s actions (usually not deliberate actions either!). I will admit, I am still awkward sometimes about hugs….but have realized that a slight hesitation on my part can be quickly overcome! People are usually open to a warm welcome!

And me? I am grateful for the second chance.

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