Weather

Believe it or not I am still here. Although our work outs are not intense, they are taking time. Tonight I am swimming at Dynamo. The water is warm, but the building is a bubble. Think no insulation. Not very motivating to strip down and jump in the water. But I have!

Running and biking in the cold seem much easier. Two weeks ago we were still recovering from snow and ice, so we met in Alpharetta for a group spin and brick. What I liked about it: I got to know that I am doing it right in the intervals I was setting for myself all along! Yea! Plus I got to meet a few more of my teammates.

And finally last Saturday we got to ride...on open road...as a team. It was cold, but great. As long as you dress appropriately you are OK. Carlos was thrilled as he finally got to join us. He was ready! Ready to ride or rob a bank...most of us were.

I love the team.

Birthday Card

My parents sent me two cards this year from my birthday. Well - my dad found one in New Zealand and mailed it off. It wasn't a birthday card per say, but it meant a lot when I received it. It is, as is often rare with cards, a keeper. It is sentimental and personal, which is not often openly expressed within my family. More on that later. First, the second card.

My mom send a second birthday card with a penguin on front.

in it she stated that the look on the penguin reminded her "of the look of triumph as I completed [my] challenges and runs."










If you compare it to my facebook profile picture

Yeah - I can see the comparison. I have no problem being compared to a penguin! They are pretty cute and capable animals.


Dad's card made me think. Mom's card made me think. I put the two together, and came up with something I wanted to say. Loudly.

I know that my parents do not always understand me. But the fact that, even though they do not really understand why I love endurance sports, they see and know that participating in them makes me very happy. And that also in turn, makes them happy and proud.

And that made me think about something I know, and have always known, but rarely verbalize. I know that my parents' love for me and my brother and my sister is unquestionable, undeniable, and never ending.

I know that they truly want all three of us to be happy in life in the manner that is best for us. So, even if they do not love endurance sports, they know it makes me happy. And they support me. They know that I have found a terrific group of people that have brought a lot of joy, understanding and appreciation of life with Team in Training, and they support me and LLS because of it.

My parents never really gave much instruction I would say. They pretty much let us make our own decisions, and we had to accept the results of the decision.

But they were always there to help. They would help us such that we could focus on the tasks at hand.

And so I am grateful. And here today I say thank you to my parents. Thank you for the birthday cards (this year and so many others). And thank you for all the love you have selflessly given to me. Thank you for the support in the so many countless ways you have shown it over my 35 years: early mornings, long drives, staying home so I could go out with the car, worrying, celebrating and letting me move on and so many more that I can not list. Thank you.

A few last thoughts for 2010

I have been quiet on the blog lately. Chalk that up to changing jobs and no longer having a computer with me at all times. I have to use our home computer, and it just isn't as convenient. But - that's just the beginning of the changes at the end of this year.

Last Monday I started a new job. So far it is slow - but it takes awhile to learn the basics of a large organization. However, I can say that so far I love the people I have been fortunate to work with - even though I am working from home and do not have much face time. I can sense, though, that the job will pick up fast. So, this was a good week to start as most places take a bit of a breather the week between New Year's and Christmas.

Working from home has its challenges. I am very grateful to have IronTeam starting next week as I can already tell if I didn't have something to force me out of the home I could easily rarely leave the house for long periods of time. That would be very bad!

Another challenge is that my office is the dinner table. This is adjacent to the living room and the TV. Not a problem except when Carlos comes home from work he likes to watch ESPN and soccer for a bit before heading to the gym. I think we can handle it. But...it is now an extra incentive to get our current home sold and find a place that is a bit bigger. That and needing a place to store books (Carlos), bikes (both of us) and tri-gear (me). I try to keep my stuff to a minimum but tri gear has a life of its own.

I got to spend Christmas in Guatemala. To say it was amazing is selling it short. It was not just the fireworks let off all over the city at midnight, it was also celebrating with a part of Carlos' family. Christmas Eve we were with his brothers at their home. It was quiet but very good: we played board games (we may not speak the same language, but we can play board games), ate tamales (different from Mexican tamales), opened gifts and watched the fireworks.

Christmas Day we spent with a part of Carlos' extended family. That was a treat. It was the first time I have ever really been a part of a large family gathering where there are three generations and people of many age groups/ranges who all have a history together. My family is small, and we do not really do large family gatherings. I know those of you who do have large family gatherings may not see my point of view, but it was something to me.

It was something to watch the children play. Santa and Mama Clause came for a visit too. I will tell you right now - I love getting to go to Guatemala.

2010 was a wonderful year for me. I grew in ways I never envisioned, and formed deeper friendships than I thought possible for me. I also made many more acqaintances which thrills me. These are the seeds of a future. The basic roadwork to not isolating myself. Yes, cyber friendships are also "safe" in that most often you can reply and chat on your own time (i.e. you are not asking someone to stop doing something else to listen to you - something I loathe to do). But...it's a start. And, as the saying goes, the longest journey starts with a single step.

2011 is off to a bang up start. I feel like I started the year behind. All I can do is take deep breaths and do the best I can. Let's hope I keep up on-line a little better then I ended 2010.

More Positives

Recently I have been amongst family, and have also had really good running support from my husband. He deserves all the kudos shared to him for all his support and encouragement in my endurance sport activities. He also loves me selflessly. And I, luckily and wisely, love him.

However, a part of me feels inadequate to Carlos. Shocked? Surprised? I am not. He is very smart and loves physics. He is very analytical and can figure things out pretty well. He has few of the ‘soft’ qualities I am learning to consider a strength in me. I have basically grown up valuing being analytical and ‘smart’. There has not been a lot of emphasis in my circle of family and friends about feelings, memories, and the such. ‘Soft’ doesn’t solve math equations and find solutions to overwhelming global problems. ‘Soft’ doesn’t pay the bills.

Besides feeling inadequate, I am reminded, repeatedly, at how lucky I am to have Carlos; to have “found a man willing to put up with [me].” This from my family.

Don’t put me wrong. I love my family. And I know they love me. They encourage me in my activities. However, as a family we also tend to point out the negative and not encourage the strengths (positives) in individuals. It’s a fact – just like the earth is round (OK –oblate spheroid – I know!).

And so…I am pointing out my positives. I can not wait and should not expect others to point out to me what is good in me. I should know this. What do I bring to the relationship with my husband? How is he lucky to have me? What is valuable about me?

This is not a series of bravado statements meant to put my husband in a poor light or to pull me up at his expense. This is me pointing out my strengths and building my confidence so I can more readily accept affection and love from Carlos, as well as affection and friendship from others. And so…here I go. Today I start with the most intimate relationship I have. Tomorrow I go on to what I can bring to friendships.

My dad is a banker. From him I have learned to be fiscally conservative. I have probably gotten Carlos to save more than he sees necessary. I can, and will, say I am too conservative and Carlos got me to loosen up too!

I may have a low confidence, but I see Carlos’ strengths often – and let him know it. I see a lot of career potential for him. He needs only to go for it. He would have stayed in the classroom until he retired if I had not encouraged him to shoot for more. I asked him often if he wanted to stay in the classroom, and he said he was ready to move on.

I have encouraged him, probably by role model, to get him to take better care of himself: eat more healthfully and go to the gym/get exercise. He loves biking and golf. Now, everywhere we go (where there are people who knew him 5+ years ago) they ask if he has lost weight. Yup – just look at his driver’s license picture! He feels better too.

Just as Carlos has supported and encouraged me with running, I have supported and encouraged him with golf and to take pride in his improvements. I have gotten him lessons (which he loves), and pretty much encourage him to go. I have heard many accounts of a day on the greens – beautiful shots, drivers (golf clubs) not cooperating, et cetera. I don’t mind. It is better than watching sports all day!

I think I have gotten Carlos to ask for more from life. I don’t mean things (there, again, we see things differently), I mean experiences: travel, friends, hobbies, job, et cetera.

I am not jealous. He works with women all the time – he’s in education. He works with smart, problem solving women. He also travels a lot. I am good with that. Why be jealous? It’s wasted energy.

What Carlos sees is what Carlos gets (in me) – I do not play games and expect him to pick up on signals to guess another meaning from what I say. Given that he is analytical and scientific this is a very good thing.

Everything here I can add a caveat - that Carlos has helped me in those areas (yes – my strengths) as well. We are a couple. Neither one of us is perfect. I am thankful for him.

I just need to know that am not someone to be tolerated but actually have something to offer others. I can not let others take my confidence down. I am strong willed. I do like certain things a certain way (or see them that way), but I am not inflexible or insensible to the fact that there are other ideas out there, and possibly better ways to do things.

Strengths

So, my last post was about my weaknesses, and a determination to take lessons and create strengths. What are my natural strengths, though? Well, first, being who I am, my tendency is to take a strength and prove that it is still a weakness. But not today. Today – my strengths.

I am a soft engineer. What does that mean? I love the analytical, but remember soft details. Why remember a formula when I can remember where to find it in a book? I can’t look up that a friend likes a certain food or has a passion for a specific hobby. I remember where I had lunch with someone I worked with over 10 years ago (Burger King – he had had a heart attack, and was on a good diet, but every once in awhile he splurged (called it a fatburger!) and he did that day. Nothing major – just enjoying enough. With Joel I went to Wendy’s where I first learned about feta cheese and how much he loved it!). I remember the how I felt when my parents told me my Grandma Wehrle and Grandma Fiske died, and the weather at my Granddaddy Fiske’s (snowed in Richmond, VA and my uncle shoveled snow at the church that morning).

I am loyal and dedicated. It takes a lot for me to not do something that I said I would do. I hate breaking appointments or agreed meetings. I most likely will come through.

I am determined. If I decide I want to do something chances are, I will do it, as long as it respects those around me and myself!

If you ask me for help, if it is within my abilities I will find a way to help. It could be to help organize an event, serve at a party, go for a run (or walk or wander) or just listen.

I love to volunteer.

I love a challenge - whether it is personal or professional. There is something excited about taking something that's in parts and an idea, and make an end product.

This is not a complete list, but a good start. A good place to build from.

Weaknesses, a bit of emtional house cleaning, and a Resolution

Yesterday I told my boss of 5+ years that I had another job offer and, more than likely, I was going to take it.

I was afraid it was going to become a bad situation. It could have become a bad situation. It started to become a bad situation with my boss going in to his usual defense mode (he is, after all, defending his growing company). I fell in to some of my usual behavior, but not all. And that, I believe saved it from becoming a bad situation. I kept emphasizing his strengths and the company strengths, and that we need to get a transition down so it can continue to succeed.

And then he started asking why: beyond the “I want to grow” and “I am looking for opportunities”. And then I said it: I had become afraid of him. It surprised him, but also made him curious: how and why. And we started to talk. And we listened. And I made sure that I was not making him a villain. He isn’t. It’s a two way street. I was fully aware of what was happening at work, and felt unable to change things: afraid to speak up.

It is easy, in retrospect, to ask, “Why didn’t you talk to me?” my only answer is, when you are afraid you avoid those situations. I hid. I would cringe when he asked to talk to me: who was going to show up? Dr. Jeckyll or Mr. Hyde? Would he try to engage me in a “debate” about anything? I dreaded having to ask questions – wondering if he would help or send me on my way with a quick synopsis with a topic I needed a handbook to resolve and I would feel dumb and too afraid to ask more?

I know my weaknesses (but if you see any please let me know – I can always learn and grow): I lack confidence in the work place. The fact that I state freely that I felt dumb probably speaks volumes on this matter. I am not dumb, but do not do all things well. Some things I do very well. I am human. Enough said. My boss remarked that he was surprised, with all of my marathons and triathlon training that I wasn’t more confident. I thought about that one and realized that, at work, I felt as if I had to hide my personal life. So, it is possible that all that self-esteem building work didn’t come through at work. It remained hidden.

I also tend to project my expectations from someone (likely a reflection of my own fears) on to them before I ever approach them. Kind of like a teenager who gets in to a car accident and only thinks “My parents are going to kill me” when in reality the parents are just relieved their child is OK. I build anxiety when there may have never been a reason. Glorious! I have tried, judged and pronounced myself not worthy before ever speaking with anyone about the true issue. This must be resolved.

A friend of mine once commented that she thought I looked for compliments from others, and asked how can I expect positive remarks from others if I don’t feel confident myself. Although I disagree with her assessment of seeking compliments from others, I agree with her observation of confidence.

And so, aware of my self confidence at work (the lack thereof), that I have been apathetic for two years at work, and that I can immobilize myself by projecting fears on others, I will be starting a new job in most respects soon.

My resolution is to take these lessons I have learned about myself and instead of building a pattern; that I break free and return to my motivated self and bring in that self confidence I have built with my training, and interactions with friends in many spheres of life. I resolve to do this without returning to minimizing myself (physically and emotionally). Ghad zooks. And so I take a deep breath. I take the lessons I have learned. I resolve…because if I waited for the New Year to change – I could put it off another day!

A Good Fit

This past weekend I was at my alma mater: the University of Michigan. It was only my second visit since graduating. I LOVE Ann Arbor. I LOVE U of M. I love the feeling of the city, and the energy of the campus. It is amazing. When I am there I am home and comfortable.

And it is also where I tried the hardest I ever tried to fit in to a group that was a “bad fit” for me.

This realization came about after finding a group that is a “good fit” for me, and has accepted me for me, and is happy to have me there. The difference is amazing.

I realize now how bad of a fit it was for me in the organization in college. I wanted to be there. I was energetic and excited. But as hard as I tried, I never made progress. I worked my ass off, and it was never good enough. The officials in the organization never learned who I was, never acknowledged me, never spoke with me, never said thank you. I was one of a nameless group. I tried. I did what people said: I always volunteered, always helped, always worked my ass off. It was never good enough. They only asked for more. In short, they broke me. Even worse – I let it happen. I should have realized that and realized that surrender is acceptable, but I didn’t – and it got me in to trouble.

I was so yearning for acceptance, and eschewed acceptance from so many other areas at Michigan – other friends, other organizations. I kept trying (volunteering, trying out for subgroups), and kept getting rejected. I loved the organization, but apparently love wasn't enough. It was just a poor fit.

I still tried because many others were like me, and succeeded. But not me. I failed. I struggled. I lost control. I lost sight of what was important. I worked such that I think people were afraid of me. I stopped joking around. I focused, and I still failed.

I didn’t participate in the organization my last two years: I did a co-op one year, and couldn’t bring myself to go back the next year. I remember that, as I walked to the information meeting the year after my co-op I started crying. One of my roommates – Melissa – talked to me, comforted me, and helped me to realize that it was OK not to go back. And I didn’t.

It was many years before I joined any organization again.

And then I found Team in Training. And there I found a good fit. And there I healed a lot of hurts in the past. I have learned that you can not avoid judgment by others, but you can only do the best you can do. And there I met a group that slowly showed me that it is safe to open up, showed me that it is OK to try; that I can have goals without losing sight of what is important because there is a mission much bigger than you are. I have met the most amazing people – all ready to cheer you on, share moments of joy and disappointment with you, and share a celebration. And you want to do the same.

As I have grown and gotten stronger I have taken on new challenges, and will continue to do so. I get to cheer friends on each time they do an event - and there are many events that go on within TNT and even more outside of it! I am grateful. I am proud. I am growing, and going beyond the safety of the organization, but not beyond the lessons I have learned, mission that keeps me grounded and not beyond my friends. In fact, it seems that we are all growing and changing and exploring new areas. And that is expected! It's exciting to be a part of so much activity.

Looking back I see the mistakes. And accept I can not change them. And am thankful that, even though I didn’t always do right by me, it has brought me to where I am and now I can do right by me. And I can make changes today. I have learned.

I need to be able to go in and be honest with myself – whether something is a good fit for me or not. If it is – great. If it isn’t – I need to know that it is OK to let go – that I will not disappoint anyone, and it is more important I stay true to me so I can affect the most good and enjoy what I do, instead of getting lost.

It has been a tough lesson, and I learned it the really hard way. However, I think the lesson was invaluable, and will serve me well as I continue to grow and love what I do, and explore new possibilities. I am excited again!